CONVERSATION: ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY

By Rabia Ahmed | InpaperMagzine

Dawn Magazine 5 June 2011

Elizabeth Bennett and Mr Collins

Elizabeth Bennett (referring to Mr Collins' ability to pay compliments): Do these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are they the result of previous study?

Mr. Collins: They arise chiefly from what is passing at the time. And though I do sometimes amuse myself with arranging such little elegant compliments, I always wish to give them as unstudied an air as possible.
— Pride and Prejudice

Which only goes to prove that saying the right thing is not something learnt by study alone. Instead, it is the innate wish to avoid saying the wrong thing, a natural sense of what is ‘right’ and an understanding and empathy of situations and people, coupled with conscious effort that lead to most effective communication.
People who say the wrong thing set many undesirable consequences in motion, dislike being just one of them.

There is the indefatigable tryer who tries very hard but manages to say the wrong thing every time. ‘This,’ remarked Nixon, not generally noted for his social sensitivity, when he visited Paris on the occasion of the French president Pompidou’s funeral, ‘is a great day for France.’

And the time America’s ambassador to the UN urged Jews and Arabs in 1948 to sit down and settle their differences ‘like good Christians’.

There is the dueller, who thrusts and parries, always trying to drive a point home, and it is generally a barbed one. ‘Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon,’ said Abbie Hoffman, and no it isn’t kick Nixon day today. This may not be the best example, being funnier than it is nasty, but we all have better examples around us.

There is the human bomb, who loves the sensation of saying something startling, dropping a statement in the midst of a gathering, then sitting back to watch the result. Of course although this can be an unfortunate tendency in a private capacity, it can be a useful skill for a public speaker, who manages to get his listener’s attention by starting his talk with a statement that grabs their attention. Ronald Reagan, a skilled orator began one of his speeches by saying, ‘Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.’
What skills should one develop if the goal is to ‘say the right thing’? The first of course is to learn to listen well. This is more than plain hearing sounds with acuity. It means listening, with the mental ear to people’s words, tones and undertones, and to their pauses; to what they have said as well as left unsaid. A pause is often more pregnant with speech than words themselves. ‘Of those who say nothing, few are silent’.

The second skill is learning to use one’s eyes. Body language is oft times more eloquent than a person’s words. It has been said that feelings are 55 per cent body language, 38 per cent tone and only seven per cent words, probably the best argument for the ineffectiveness of communicating with persons with shrouded bodies and covered faces.

A smile that does not reach the eyes, a folding of the arms, a nervous tic or other jerky movements, are all indicators of a person not being in earnest, feeling defensive or uneasy.

One of the most common results of unskilled communication is misunderstanding. A tense, nervous or otherwise uncomfortable person imputes all kinds of misplaced motives to a speaker. No amount of precise speech will dispel these impressions, unless the underlying reason for the discomfort is tackled first.
Understanding the situation is the third important factor. When unexpectedly finding oneself in the midst of a conversation between relative strangers, it is an unwise person who offers a remark without first observing the situation and persons involved.

Lastly, one of the most important skills is being able to empathise with other people. While it is well to have a quick grasp , and to be able to respond with clever words, it is empathy that provides a true understanding of what may be going through the other person’s mind, and of what may be motivating him or her. It is empathy that provides the right words for the occasion based on this knowledge; empathy, which is said to be the most radical of human emotions. Without the understanding it provides, whatever is said will lack sense and heart, and may be hurtful. Such a statement will have about as much depth as anything Mr Collins could say.