MORNING BABBLE

By Rabia Ahmed  Printed Dawn Magazine 3 July 2011

Farah Hussain
morning show hostess

Some women possess that rare and valuable commodity: surplus time.  A number manage to utilise it effectively, but others indulge in what is tantamount to criminal offence, they watch Pakistani morning shows on television.  

It is yet to be clarified what exactly these morning programmes aim to achieve.  Do they wish to contribute to our culture, to our intelligence, sense of humour, general knowledge, understanding, or education? Do they alleviate our boredom, fill the time creatively, or do they even contribute to our dress sense?

I took my life in my hands a few times recently, glued myself to my seat with rubber solution to prevent a fast getaway, and watched some of these morning shows. This article is the result of watching (for as long as I could stomach it) women sporting sun flowers or gardenias behind their ears, dressed in the preferred mode of conifers at Noel: ….a lavish supply of baubles and spangles, a generous dusting of glitter, snow in the shape of patchy white face powder, with a selection of bows and glittering clips perched atop all this, a replacement for the hapless angel on a fully decorated Christmas tree.

Recently was a day of note with reference to illustrating my point about these programmes: three ladies wearing all of the above; in addition each wore a tikka like a chandelier on her forehead. They looked as though they were they all getting married, newly married, or taking part in some overdone bridal couture week. Very artistically, with manicured nails the size of spears, they wiped their eyes of tears shed in sorrow at the death of the talented Moin Akhtar, and delivered themselves of elaborate eulogies extolling the virtues of the deceased. If Mr Akhtar is still regaling viewers with comic skits wherever he is, this is one programme he will have used as a source of inspiration.

There are other shows, and most share a dress code. What is it with women on these shows, and what are they trying to prove? Is it the possibility of cramming the most nonsense into a confined space, both mental and physical? From feet totteringly` shod in stilts to clothing, every thing possible is thrown in, buttons, bows, layers, nips, tucks, laces, frills, colour. They also shared a certain gesture, an incessant hand movement to arrange/flick back their unconvincingly blonde hair.

And then there is the content: is marriage all that interests Pakistani women? There are programmes about relations with in laws, what to wear at weddings, how to dress the hair (for weddings), what kind of henna to apply (at weddings), and songs, dances, and even nauseatingly girly ‘keeklis’ that one can indulge in on that day of days. Often it is a question of killing time between calls from viewers, who are a whole new story altogether.

Delivered in a high piping voice, breathless with excitement:

‘XYZ Baji, mujhe bohauuuth mushkil say yay call milli hai!) (It was really difficult getting this call through!)

(Yes well get on with it then, won’t you? You’re holding others up!)

‘XYZ Baji aaj aap bohauuuth achi lag rahi hain!’ (you’re looking reeeally wonderful today!) or ‘Mujhay aap bohauuuuth achi lagti hain!’ (I like you verrrry much!)

For heavens sake is this a hoax? Or if it’s a genuine call, are you sure you have your gender preferences straight?

Baji simpers and responds saying that she likes the speaker verrry much too, indeed her love encompasses all her viewers who call in so lovingly, and bear so much affection for her in their hearts.

Sighs all around.

Next in number are the women who ask baji to wave to pappoo, chunnu, koki, or pinky on air, referring to their minor children who also love this programme.

Listen, everyone. The situation is dire and Pakistan’s fate hangs in the balance. We need intelligent, responsible citizens, aware of local and international issues to participate constructively in the affairs of this country. This includes men, women and children.

Are our children actually watching these programmes, and enjoying them? Are these women their role models? Small wonder then!

Here are some suggestions to offset the urge to watch these shows as soon as it manifests:

1. Brush your teeth:  This is an infinitely more sensible occupation, one that takes greater skill, producing more constructive results.
2. Look out the window and observe those women walking to work down the street: are they spending their time more intelligently, or will you, if you seat yourself in front of a box for an hour listening to a Christmas tree with blonde bimbo aspirations speak?
3. Blow your brains out with a gun: This is a quicker way to oblivion, and a far less excruciating experience than watching most morning shows on television.